Tuesday, August 21, 2012

She's a tax write off, thus she is property...

(Originally Published 12/18/2011)

...thus, I have the right to protect my property!

I really should be in bed, trying to get some sleep, but I just can't sleep.  So I'll blog instead.  So I was looking at little one today, and I have told y'all this many times, but I really feel sorry for my kiddo she starts growing up!

Did you know that they won't let you implant a GPS chip into you kids?  Something about it being unethical or that they have rights too or privacy invasion, and all that other Republican bull.  But here's my theory!  She is a tax write off!  She is "property" until she is 18.  And don't I have a right to protect my property?  I mean, seriously...I can chip my dog but not my baby girl?

They tell me that I can put a GPS in her tennis shoe or in her bunny or in her backpack.  We even bought her a kids cell phone awhile back that had GPS tracking in it.  But, there is no guarantee that this stuff will be with her all the time.  If some creep or sicko snatches her off the street, or she gets lost, or something I don't even want to think about, then all I have to do is log in and track her down if the chip is implanted!!  Seems logical to me!  Its not like I would keep tabs on her when she is a teenager to make sure she is where she says she will be.  Well, maybe I would, but still, that a whole other issue.

Seriously, tho, anybody who knows anything about me knows that I think of my child as way more than a tax write off.  But I worry about her every day. You always see these kiddos that get snatched or vanish all the time.  Or those that run off and are never seen again.  I don't see what's wrong with implanting a GPS device to keep tabs on her.  But since they won't let me do so, then I will just hafta be that overbearing father.
The other day, she came home and said "Daddy, I think this boy in my class likes me!"  I asked her who it was, and she refused to tell me because she thinks I will go hurt him for even looking at my baby girl, my angel, the apple of my eye.  I told her she might as well tell me because I will just hafta take out every boy in her class...that way I can be sure I got the one who is looking in her direction!

I do hafta feel sorry for her because I often tell her that the day that she starts to sprout booblets, I am going to lock her in the basement until I pick her husband for her.  I remember what I was like at that age as a boy...all I thought about was one thing...and I know these little boys out there are the same way.  I get it...she's only 9, but she's my baby girl and I will protect her and hold on to her until the bitter end.
Me and Connie have a plan...if that time comes that some sicko tries something (no, not the little boys that she will want to eventually date because there is a different plan for them...but if some sicko tries to kidnap her or do other unspeakable things to her), we have a plan.  She says that she is a nurse and has access to drugs that disappear in the system and leave no traces.  I have the alibi all set up ("Mom...I was with you last night...no questions ask").  We have to torture site all set up (what, did you think that we would dispose of him or her outright?  No...there will be punishment - and we do mean punishment).  And we know where we would bury the body.

I jest, of course (but don't try me, or I will hafta put the plan into motion!), but it is scary in this world.  And trying to protect my little one while at the same time trying to raise her right and having to let her go to school every day and her continual requirements to individuality is a daunting task for a dad!

When she starts bringing home boys she likes, I am going to have some serious fun.  Time to embarrass her across the board (baby pics and videos, wearing my white trash overalls and calling her mother "ma"), and then the very serious "Son, do you see that shotgun hanging on the wall...I know how to use it and I am not afraid to go back to jail" will become standard conversation. That poor kid will know that he will be separated from his junk if that junk comes anywhere near my kid.  I will be in seat behind them at the theater (or the seat between them), I will be in the back seat of the car when they are driving, I will be at the next table at the theater, and if he even glances at a hotel or his house, my shotgun will be against his temple.  Think Trunk Monkey Chaperone (if you haven't seen that clip, click here...it is hi-larious!).  I will be the chaperone at her school dances, events, etc.  I will ALWAYS be there!

When she is out, I will pace her in my car and ensure she is safe.  I won't interfere unless I hafto, but I will be there.  Will hafta quit my job and spend my entire days and nights protecting her. Parties will be at my house.  Windows nailed shut so no sneaking out.  I will go through her Facebook, her phone, E-mail, etc.

You all know I won't do all this (maybe)...but I tell ya, being a dad for a little girl is HARD work!  I get more grey hair from just stressing about what the world is going to be for her when its time for her to go out into it.  People suck, and she deserves the best.  And this Dad is going to do everything in his power to make sure she is safe to have the best.

Some tell me that she will need therapy after all the over parenting that I am planning on.  Well, then, I will just hafta pay for therapy.

Just saying.

Oh, and, I am serious about the GPS thing.  Who's on board??

Comment to Original Post

Bethany Faulkner
Dwayne, stop trying to 1984 Big Brother your daughter! I understand, though...Just the thought of kids makes me think a GPS would not be to bad...
March 28, 2011 at 11:18am

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